


You never knew how I feel

by joonmeetsevil



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Awkward Kim Hanbin | B.I, Cute, Fluff, M/M, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 13:11:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12277161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joonmeetsevil/pseuds/joonmeetsevil
Summary: Listening to Jiwon 'solo album makes Hanbin feel some type of way...





	You never knew how I feel

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if there's any grammatical errors or stuff, english isn't my first langage! Enjoy!

Hanbin cuddled up a bit more to Jiwon' sweater, hoping to fall asleep, at least for an hour or two. He could easily handle a day without sleep, two days were okay but three days started to get a bit too much and he could feel his eyes burning under his lids. The only thing able to beat his insomnia was Jiwon but he couldn't even call him, as the older was almost 10 000km away in Los Angeles to film his music videos... pretending to be with the girl of his dreams. That thought never failed to make Hanbin's heart aches. How did I end up here, he asked himself once again, in love with my best friend who's hoping for everything but me? Jiwon liked girls, that was for sure : he never really bothered to introduce his conquests to the rest of the group but it wasn't rare to see him coming back to the dorms at dawn, completely fucked up and still a bit drunk, a huge grin on his wonderful, beautifully shaped lips... fuck. Shut up, Hanbin. He mentally slapped himself and tried to focus again : sleep, he had to sleep.  
He almost drowned in Jiwon 'sweater which was already too large for the older but its scent comforted him, the strong aromas of cinnamon, cologne and sweat rocking him to sleep... but not enough. His thoughts wouldn't leave him alone, always coming back to Jiwon and around 3 AM, Hanbin decided to give up. 

He got out of bed and started wandering in the dorms, pondering if Jinwhan would mind him sneaking into his bed for the rest of night. The oldest certainly would welcome him with open arms under the covers but it just wouldn't be the same. He liked sleeping with Jinwhan but he needed to sleep with Jiwon, because he missed him and because he hated the idea of him dedicating a whole album to this girl he seemed to love so much and still didn't introduce to any of them somehow. When his best friend asked him to give him an opinion on his new songs, Hanbin knew some of them would be about love but he didn't expect that all of them would describe his relationship with someone he never heard of, the girl Jiwon loved as much as Hanbin loved Jiwon. He could feel himself tearing up listening to those songs and had nodded absently when his friend asked him if he liked them. Of course I like them, Hanbin said, they're amazing... surprising maybe? But amazing. Jiwon had smiled. Hanbin cried himself to sleep. And there he was, watching some shitty overplayed drama at 3a.m, clinging to the large sweater as if it could protect him from all the bad things in the world, including his one-sided love for Jiwon. Hanbin knew he was in way too deep when he found himself getting jealous of the girl on the screen, apparently adored by this guy who couldn't act for his life, smiling and laughing, carefree. Lucky bitch. Hanbin snorted quietly : okay, he was really that tired. He had known Jiwon for almost ten years now and got addicted slowly, painfully but naturally, without even noticing most of the time but sometimes noticing too much and understanding that he had no way to save himself from it. Now he couldn't even sleep without Jiwon's loud breathing and their hands intertwined softly but firmly enough under the covers. They started sleeping in the same bed a year ago, when Hanbin's insomnia got worse and he found out that his best friend's warmth seemed to solve the problem almost every time. It was fucked up and he knew it but he still craved it and asked for it every night. After some time, Jiwon started to naturally leave space for Hanbin in his bed when he went to sleep. Hanbin often worked all night in the studio, sometimes until dawn but had not slept anywhere but in their bed since then. Like Jinwhan needed a drink of red wine before bed to sleep peacefully, he needed Jiwon's warm hand in his. Suddenly, a vibration interrupted Hanbin's blurred thoughts and it took him some time to realise what it was before he eventually caught his phone trapped between two pillows he brought on the living room and read the message on the screen.

Jiwon:) : hey !!:D its 11am here but i think its around 3-4 at home so ull read that when u wake up ^^ (hopefully ur sleepin and not overworking urself as usual...)!!! LA is so much fun but i miss u guys T-T and i couldnt sleep last night bc it was 2 silent.... sounded creepy uh?? :x nvm sleep well and i'll call u guyzzz tomorrow xx 

Hanbin wondered if he should answer or not. If he did, Jiwon would know he couldn't sleep without him and would find it weird. Maybe he wouldn't want to sleep together anymore after that? Hanbin couldn't take the risk. He locked his phone and hid it under the pillows in an attempt to make it less tempting to answer the message. He laid down on the couch and kept watching TV, his mouth and nose covered by the sweater, allowing the familiar scent to overwhelm him. It felt good. It felt like home. Theorically, Hanbin was at home but in reality, his home was in Los Angeles daydreaming about someone that wasn't him. Eventually, he fell asleep. He dreamt about a beach and Jiwon's body glistening under the sun, sand on his cheek and water in his hair. He woke up with Seoul's cold weather, the sweater smelling like his own sweat, and started crying.

 

The fourth day had been the worst of it all, the anticipation of Jiwon coming home making Hanbin shake against his own will. He really did try his best to keep busy all day but his heart wouldn't leave him alone, beating as fast as it possibly could. He couldn't stop himself from checking his phone every two minutes. Seven hours, six hours, five hours...  
It was now 2 AM and everybody had went to sleep after an exhausting day of training, except for Hanbin who laid on the couch once again. He didn't even care about what Jiwon would think anymore : he needed to see him tonight and to fall asleep thanks to their tightly interwined hands. He hadn't even tried to fall asleep, because there was no use and because his sleep medication was exiting an airplane at the same moment, and would get home anytime soon.  
Hanbin was exhausted, starving, lonely... and Jiwon had been away for only four days. This was so wrong, he was so whipped and fucked up and fuck, Jiwon would notice as soon as he'll see him, he knew it. Although he didn't believe in God, Hanbin closed his eyes and prayed.

Jiwon arrived home at exactly 3 AM and Hanbin thought that if God existed, this was definitely a sign directed towards him. The older man struggled to enter the dorms with his heavy suitcase and turned on the lights to find a sleepy Hanbin on the couch, his red and puffy eyes looking at the TV but not registering anything of whatever was on the screen.  
The leader got up as soon as Jiwon appeared in the living room and greeted him with this shy smile he would only give to him.

-Did you miss me that much, Hanbinah ?  
-Fuck yeah I did !

Hanbin jumped on his best friend and apologised when the older bumped into the white table of the dining room. He didn't care about anything else than Jiwon. Jiwon, Jiwon, Jiwon. He missed being fully himself for four days and made up for the lost time by clinging to the older. Jiwon, Jiwon, Jiwon. He gave his everything to him and hoped it would be enough, at least for a night. The other man shushed him by putting a finger on his lips and Hanbin felt himself shudder. He had almost forgotten about their friends sleeping in the rooms, so close too them, way too close.  
Hanbin wanted to laugh, to yell, to sing and to dance : Jiwon was home ! Litteraly and figuratively. He stayed quiet for the sake of the others 'sleep but still kept smiling and whispered :

-I couldn't sleep, you know how I am.  
-Working too much, yeah I know.  
Jiwon patted his hair and kissed his cheek, a familiar habit he always used whenever they were feeling tired or stressed. Then, he opened his suitcase right on the living room's floor but only took out his Pooh stuffie before closing it again and smiling to Hanbin.

-You know how I am.  
-A big baby, yeah I know.

His brilliant imitation of Jiwon's accent seemed to be funny because he got blessed with one of his amazing smile, when he scrunched his nose and made his eyes disappear. 

-L.A was freaking awesome, Hanbinah, I'll take you there one day... the music videos are sooo cool, wanna see ? We'll go to sleep after that tho, I'm fuckin exhausted.

Hanbin excitedly nodded and they laid on the couch together, Jiwon's laptop on their legs to watch. Indeed, the videos were amazing and Hanbin enjoyed every single second, devouring Jiwon with his eyes and dreaming about being the person behind the camera. If only he could have been there, if only those videos were his reality... He cuddled up to Jiwon who didn't seem to mind, as usual. The images hurt but the worst still was the lyrics : so loving, so genuine, so not written about Hanbin. Four videos later, at 4 AM, tiredness won over his almost straight face and he gave up, tears rolling on his cheeks and falling straight onto Jiwon 'shirt. The latter had almost fell asleep during the second video but Hanbin's quiet sobs woke him up and his groggy yet worried voice whispered :

-You okay ? Is something wrong ?

He started rocking Hanbin in an attempt to comfort his friend but it wasn't enough. Nothing would ever be enough. Nothing would be Jiwon's lips on his own or his warm breath in his neck, his hands on his body or his eyes sparkling for Hanbin and Hanbin only. Jiwon was someone else's. This girl was the fucking luckiest bitch in the whole world and the younger sincerely hoped she knew that. He sobbed again, his face burried in Jiwon's torso, wetting his white shirt and a broken voice he barely recognised asked :

-Who is she ?  
-... who ?  
-The girl all of your songs are about.

Jiwon kept silent for a moment, caressing Hanbin's back and hair, trying to calm him down, before stuttering : 

-It's... it's n-not about somebody in particular, you know.  
-W-what ?  
-It's about... experiences I had, dreams... fantasies... I'm not dating anyone, if that's what you're asking.  
-Oh...

Hanbin knew how wrong this was but knowing that Jiwon was still single made him feel so better. He wasn't his but he wasn't someone else's either. At least for now. He sobbed once again.

Fuck, he hated being tired.

-Why are you crying ? I don't get it... talk to me... it's okay, it's okay...  
-It's not okay ! They're s-so lucky and I'm-I-I don't know what to do I'm too fu-fucking selfish and-and...  
-Hanbin, it's okay, it's fine, you're just tired and you should've slept more last ni...  
-I can't sleep without you !  
-... Well, it's okay. I can't sleep fine without you either, you know.  
-Liar !

Hanbin knew how weird he sounded at this moment but couldn't stop himself from crying even harder. He was exhausted and hopeless, the night was almost over and he didn't know how he would live from now on, with Jiwon's lyrics printed all over his mind and skin, and this hypothetical perfect girl all over Jiwon's. The older kept rocking him slowly, apparently having no idea what to answer, and that's when Hanbin decided to bury his face in his neck and to whisper, without any shame as he already fucked it all up :

-She's not there yet but she's the luckiest person in the world... because she gets to have you.

The room went completely silent in the dark night and Hanbin asked himself if time could've stopped. After what felt like an eternity, Jiwon answered.

-Who said it was a « she », tho ?  
-Y-you ! You like girls, you kiss girls, you fuck girls, y-you...

Jiwon shushed him again and smiled... fondly ? He softly pulled Hanbin's face closer to his.

-But I love you.

Hanbin stilled for a few seconds. This couldn't be real. He fell asleep while watching the videos and was obviously dreaming. Or he was awake and Jiwon was joking. Yeah, of course he was, he always did, with everyone. 

-B-but the s-songs...  
-You don't believe in God but I'm thankful to him for sending me a treasure like you.

Jiwon lips touched Hanbin's less than a second later and the younger shivered so hard he actually thought he was going to faint. He kissed Jiwon clumsily, hungrily, his tongue brushing against the older's too hard, too fast or too slow but he still lived the kiss as a religious experience and prayed God, his God Kim Jiwon, for it to never end. Sadly, it ended in a wet noise and Jiwon laughed softly when he re-opened his eyes.

-Are we going to sleep now ? I've been awake for almost four days and the ugly bags under your eyes are telling me that I'm not the only one.


End file.
